Regarding the Rescue Dogs in My Facebook Feed

We’ve all seen the pound puppies and rescue dogs that fill our social media feeds in a noble effort to find homes for dogs soon to be put down. The Farrell File applauds the efforts of those who dedicate their lives to this cause. However, our Senior Offending Corespondent, Robyn Cory, has a few words about the none-stop blitz of “rescue mutts” and begs the question: How many people are tired of the puppy posts? 

Enough with the Rescue Mutts
Robyn Cory

Ever wonder about some of these rescue mutt posts? There may be a chance someone in your news feed wants to rescue a dog, sure. There is no chance that hundreds and hundreds of your friends do. Some people need to give it a rest. Ever wonder what an honest ad for a rescue dog would say?

“This adorable guy is named “Hell Raiser” he is not in the shelter for any particular reason I assure you, and I’m pretty sure he does not like to bite small kids (cousin Jerry was provoking him). He is a Staffy mix (because God forbid you say it’s a fucking pit bull), who likes to make things his (by chewing and pissing on them). Ideal candidates for adoption of Hell Raiser are people who work more than 5 days a week and have ample time for him to be left alone to fuck up your house. He doesn’t like to run or play because he is 150 years old and he will break your fucking heart in 2 years when he goes to the dog park in the sky. Oh and don’t forget the adoption fee.

Me? Oh no I can’t adopt him, and I’m not sure why anybody else would want him, but if you don’t “share this post” I will personally put a needle full of poison in his fluffy little neck and he will die.

Not sure if Hell Raiser is right for you? Try him out for a few weeks and if you do not like him and he’s a total piece of shit you can just bring him back here; we will surely guilt some irresponsible bimbo who wants “fur babbies” into adopting him again. It’s really the fees that we like to place… in our pockets.”

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